I’m a grateful believer in Jesus Christ and I have issues with codependency, shame, fear, people pleasing, and am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and exploitation.
This part of my blog will be dedicated to chronicling my journey through finally allowing Christ to heal the secrets I have hidden for thirty years. It’s true, what they say…
“You’re only as sick as your secrets.”
My secrets are pretty sick
The biggest issue I have found when dealing with past trauma is fear. As I sort through fuzzy memories I wonder what more I will uncover. What’s real or imagined? I have many vivid memories, some fuzzy recollections, and flat out missed time from my childhood. The more I delve into these dark recesses, the more I remember.
For King and Country (Contemporary Christian music artists) has a song on their newest album. While “God Forgive Us” is beautiful, there is an additional message added to the album track that begins maybe a minute after the song finishes. I heard it for the first time while really struggling with my fear of facing these wounds and not really knowing who I am. Seemingly, it came out of nowhere that day. I’ve added the YouTube video of the song with the message at the end if you want to listen. Otherwise the message goes like this:
Run Wild. To risk everything, to hold nothing back. To lay it all on the line: your reputation, your success, your comfort. It’s that moment where fear is overcome by faith.
Live Free. It’s not the liberty to do whatever you want whenever and wherever you want. But rather is living in accordance with the Author of humanity and finding freedom by connecting with the Creator who conceived you. Let the Light flood into your eyes for the first time, feeling the blood course through your veins, finding the truest version of yourself by knowing the One who knows you better than you know yourself.
Love Strong. Because you were first loved, because without love we all perish, because the Earth and the stars can and will pass away but love…
Love will always remain.
I can’t begin to express just how hard that message hit me. I had to ask myself, “Does my faith outweigh my fear?”
I can say, with a good deal of assurance, that yes – it does. My God is stronger than any trauma I’ve suffered. My God is greater than any memory that remains hidden. My God is more powerful than any of my weaknesses. My God has already seen all that it is I have been running from and yet, He loves me unconditionally. How could my faith not be stronger than my fear?
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9